Where to begin?

This week, this month, the past six goddamn months have been a blur. A literal blur reflected through memories; a blur which defines my mind, my state of being, and my life in general. It just feels odd is all.

I am home, though, where my mind generally remains more clear than it does when I am away. Where I have the the wit and honest love of my parents to keep me grounded and smiling.

Christmas was different this year. Five days post-25th I am left wondering... when did the holidays become difficult? When did the holidays begin inducing thoughts of friends and family members lost throughout the years? Perhaps this has happened ages ago for many twenty-two year olds. Perhaps some people will be fortunate enough to never experience these feelings (probably not). Either way, it is frustrating. And as I type these words I realize that this blog has become incredibly depressing. Angst-y, even. And many more adjectives that wouldn't normally sum up who I am or how I am (generally).

But I guess it is accurately relfecting day-to-day (almost) feelings of how things are NOW. Not necessarily how they were, or how they may be someday. But how I am now, how my life is at this second. How I feel as a twenty-two year old. How I feel as a soon to be college graduate. Fretting over my next move almost constantly. Weighing out the pros and cons of law school, graduate school, a job. Living close, or moving out West. Thinking about whether decisions made months and even years ago were made with a clear mind, or if I should reconsider things NOW. Really, I now realize, all I have to keep me in the now is reflection. Written reflections of days passed and memories which would otherwise go forgotten.

I feel like this should be easier.
In general, things should be simplified.
But I have never lived my life that way.
Who I am to wish for a simple life?
Honestly. It is just not in the cards for me (I love this saying).

And I guess I'm okay with that.

on the Twentieth

What I should be doing and what I actually am doing are two far different things. I should be studying for my macroeconomics cumulative final I have tomorrow at 2:30PM. That is, without a doubt, what I should be doing. Instead, I am typing, doing my laundry, drinking coffee, thinking about taking a nap, staring out my window at the snow flurries, listening to endless Damien Jurado albums... but most of all, I am thinking about what today will bring.

To be more specific, today is the day two of my very closest friends graduate college (eek!). Like, really graduate. And move away... from a city where we have made too many memories; a city where we have grown from strangers to acquaintances to great friends and, finally, (as cheesy as this sounds) to family. These wonderful women are two of the very few people who have kept me alive and fairly sane throughout these past two years. The two years of my life which have entailed an incredible amount of loss. They are two of the people who kept me here (as opposed to me going out of my head, quitting college, and moving back in with my parents). They have kept me laughing even through tears and frustration. Wow. What a feat.

And now they are leaving. They are leaving me in a city where acquaintances are plentiful, but family-like friendships are dwindling. They are leaving me in a city I have grown tired of; a city that, with the absence of these wonderful friends, only really provides me with painful nostalgia (I hate admitting that).

I will reside in this city until June - when the lease for my flat ends. Making it five years which I have lived here --- the city to which I moved when I was hardly 18 years old. The city in which I have attended four and a half years of college (thus far); the city where I have met some of the most interesting and gracious people I may ever meet; the city where one relationship ended and another began (and eventually ended); the city which inhibits landmarks of houses and flats in which I used to live; park benches I remember sitting on for hours in the middle of the night. Memories of exact locations of silly first kisses, bike rides along the river, and countless afternoons spent skipping class to read poetry, smoke cigarettes, and drink red wine in the sunshine at the riverside park instead. A city whose UW campus induces heartwrenching, embarrassing, and comforting memories which (still) flood my brain as I walk by certain buildings or take particular routes to classes.

Honestly, I am scared for these friends to leave me. I am petrified of what this place will become sans their invariant presence. I have never had to live in this city without these women --- without the constant feeling of reassurance and infallible companionship.

Life is wild, though. I know this. It is unpredictable and in a changeless state of turning your brain upside down, twirling your body and thoughts in circles until you finally fall ill. You sit down. You stand up. It begins again.

It is endless and terrible, but in a good "this makes me feel like I am really living" sort of way. And I guess that is what it is all about.

People come, people go. Sometimes you are the one leaving, and sometimes you are the one left.

Don't you want to say you tried?

I fell upon this band, Headlights, via Bazan's website.  He (accompanied with a full band) will be touring with Headlights in spring 2010!  The closest show they will play is in Minneapolis at the Turf Club.  Which excites me as I have never been to the venue, but have heard good things (and enjoy Minneapolis very much).

Anyway. Here is a heartwrenching song/video I found on the Headlights website and felt compelled to share with you. The song and video combination brings me to tears! It is beautiful:

a Sinatra Christmas

Just purchased this.  Love it (of course). 

Aw, Frank.

I am blushing just posting this.

_____.

My mind and body have grown weary of feeling angst-y and dissatisfied so often.
It is thoroughly exhausting.
Wish it felt more foreign.

It will.  In time.

Doors are opening.  I know this.  They are obnoxiously widening their angles right in front of my face.  This should make me feel assured, excited, lighthearted, young, fortunate.  Instead, I feel despondent, spent, reserved, lost.  As though all hope for the things I felt to be permanent for so long really are gone.  They are dissipating slowly at every passing moment.  As each day ends, this fragment of my life is slowly fading away.  Dispersing memories and plans amongst new experiences, new memories, new people -- friends and lovers.  I am left concerned.  Feeling frightened, disheartened.  Questioning if I should be allowing this to happen.  Is there even an option?  Are there options?  Is there a way for me to be proactively not allowing all of this to happen?  Rhetorical questions which I pose here.  Questions which ravage my mind on a daily basis.  Breathe.  Must remember to breathe more slowly, and allow my head to rest more often.

on the Tenth

I slept in this morning, I skipped 412 this morning, I woke up to my dad phoning me this morning, I did the dishes before I left my flat this morning, I dug my car out of three feet of snow this morning.

. . .

I drove for two hours on icy roads today, I had phone conversations with two of my oldest friends today, I bought a pack of Djarum Blacks today (and smoked one).

. . .

I listened to Bazan's "Lost My Shape" six times on my way home today. 
I felt content.

Unwelcomed memories entered my brain on my way home today. 
I felt alone.

. . .

I will bake Christmas cookies with my mum tonight. 

We will drink red wine, and laugh and laugh.

the Second

I am blaming this weather for the following things:  not leaving my flat even once today, ordering in pizza for lunch/dinner, not showering, living in my yoga pants and my fleece pullover, and posting twice in one day. 

Oh, and the snow has apparently induced a little online shopping.  I am so excited about the items I purchased (and the deals I found), though, I thought I would share:

We Who See Fringe Boot (via UO)

 *Am absolutely in love with these.

     Kimchi Blue Bow Skirt (via UO)

*Also great: I love the entire look, and I already own the BDG top that the model is wearing.  AND there is an exposed silver zipper up the back.  Wow.

Deena & Ozzy Asymmetrical Belt (via UO)

*I have been searching for a tasteful black leather studded belt (seriously) for ages.  Finally.

*Also great: only $9.99.

_____________

Oh the things I am able to accomplish sans the interruption of class and work.

UW snow day; Tony

Yes. 
The weather is so treacherous in Wisconsin that the University system has been shut down.  So I am happily lounging.  Watching Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations.  As mentioned in a previous post, I have such a crush on Tony. 
H a p p y.

. . .

To: somebody that I used to know.  I read this today.  And thought of you.  I am fairly certain that these words will mirror your life, unfortunately.  Life is bound to be difficult for you, but only because you will actively make it difficult for yourself. 
I just feel disappointed is all.

. . .

How Could I Have Doubted by Leonard Cohen

I stopped looking for you

I stopped waiting for you

I stopped dying for you

and I started dying for myself

I aged rapidly

I became fat in the face

and soft in the gut

and I forgot that I'd ever loved you

I was old

I had no focus, no mission

I wandered around eating and buying

bigger and bigger clothes

and I forgot why I hated

every long moment that was mine to fill

Why did you come back to me tonight

I can't even get off this chair

Tears run down my cheeks

I am in love again

I can live like this

06

I wake up feeling surprisingly rejuvinated.  With the smell of cigarette smoke lingering throughout my bedroom due to its resonation in my dirty blonde hair.  A scent which will stick to my sheets and fingertips like glue for a day, maybe two.  The taste of Ketel One still loitering on my tongue and the roof of my mouth.  My bedroom a disaster with sweaters and tights, boots and flats, hats and scarves scattered amongst the very little available floor space.  My bedroom window providing a view of blue skies and bluff tops, which distributes sunlight throughout this mess; my mess.  This December sunlight, though, somehow converts my unorganized and cluttered life into something enjoyable, satisfying.  Even pleasant.

I feel.
And I feel content.

You are free

And I will be too.  Relatively soon.

I have never been one to worry or stress over, well, a lot of things.  I guess the same goes for this exam I will be taking tomorrow morning.  Actually, around this exact time tomorrow, I should be "free" or finished or completed or, at the very minimum, out of a stuffy college classroom and hopefully enjoying a dark beer and an American Spirit (or ten).  Then maybe a nap.

To be realistic, I am going into the LSAT totally illprepared.  I have studied very little as life has (done what life tends to do and) turned hectic and threw me off-balance.  This, I realize in retrospect, is something I should have anticipated or at least been vaguely aware of.  But wasn't.  Or maybe I was.  It is all very confusing (not to mention mundane for readers, I am sure).  However, I am not here to entertain.  I am here, doing this, typing these words, as some sort of strange therapeutic practice that I have grown to depend on and actually thoroughly enjoy.

Speaking of enjoyment, I saw my sister yesterday.  She came to my flat with her man-friend, and just visited.  She really is great.  The older I grow the more and more aware I become of her sheer greatness, her love for life, and (caring for) people.  I am lucky to have a little sister like Kim.  She's also incredibly funny.  She makes me laugh like very few people are able to.  I dig that, a lot. 

Also.  I have been mildly obsessed with The National as of late.  Their album "Boxer" is quite impressive.  Truth be told, I met a handsome boy weeks ago.  We bonded over books (he's reading Vonnegut's Armageddon in Retrospect, which I finished over the summer, etc.) and music (he saw Radiohead at Lollapalooza last summer, I saw them in Indianapolis; he saw David Bazan at the Turf Club a couple months back, I saw him at Lincoln Hall, etc.).  These are things that attract me to people in general (but as previously mentioned, he was a handsome boy -- which makes things more interesting I guess).  Anyway.  Long story short, he was into The National.  I randomly remembered him mentioning this while at Barnes and Noble.  And the rest is history ...regarding my obsession with the album, I mean.

So.  It is officially considered late to be awake and functioning the night before the LSAT (or so my fellow LSAT taking friends tell me), so I best be off to sleep.  I have my large Ziploc bag packed (four #2 pencils, tissues, a banana, my driver's license, my LSAT ticket -- all of the most random/boring things packed into one plastic bag really), and my outfit set out as if I were a third grader (yoga pants, cardigan, moccasins).  Ugh.  It is frustrating, don't you think?  These tests, this fucking test I have to take in the morning.  I know I would be a successful environmental lawyer.  I can feel it in my bones.  I am passionate, and hardworking (whatever that even means anymore) -- at least regarding things of which I am passionate.  So it would work.  Work really well actually.  But, unfortunately, a 3.5 hour long exam will determine much more than my silly words, passions, and promises.

So, winter is now

It is officially winter-time in Wisconsin. 
Snow on the ground, frost on the cars, flurries landing in my hair, on my coat, cheeks, eyelashes and exposed fingertips.

I like winter. I enjoy Christmas. But it really is true love I experience with winter-time apparel.

Speaking of which, these are the boots I will wear today:

I purchased these Pajar boots over a month ago while in Chicago for a David Bazan show (more about this incredible show in future postings).  They are from an adorable shoe shop in Wicker Park called Niche.  I enjoyed shopping there very much.  Although I had to look over the cutesy, over-priced flats and heels and go for the "I am finally embracing the fact that I live in the Midwest and winters are cold" look (hence, the pictured boot), I am very much delighted with my purchase.  And I have not been able to wear them until today (have been waiting for snow to officially stick to the ground).  Accompanied by my military-esque jacket, cut-off leather gloves, slouchy black hat, and pair of skinny BDG jeans tucked into them --- these boots should work out nicely, I think.

Materialistic things such as new boots, jackets, scarves, hats, etc. are what get me through the treacherous Wisconsin winters without too much complaining on my part.

Anyway.  The first snowfall in Wisconsin is pretty neat.  The flurries are scattering themselves through the sky until finally resting upon rooftops (rooftops make up much of the view out of my eighth floor window).  Soon, though, the bluffs which surround my flat will slowly transition from brown and green to a snowy white.  This will make me happy as I have not spent a winter in this particular flat yet (with this incredible view). 

I will have to take photos this winter.  And share them with ...you, I guess.

Well.  Happy snowy December days to those of you out there experiencing a snowy December day.

NINE

How excited are people to see this film?
And more importantly, how good does Daniel Day-Lewis look?


But really. We have Day-Lewis, Marion Cotillard, Judi Dench (who has truly terrified me since watching "Notes on a Scandal"), someone even threw Fergie in there (!?) and Sophia Loren.
Get real.

This film would be incredible sans the said actresses and with only Day-Lewis as the big name actor, or whatever. Well, this is me excited.
Link to the trailer: http://www.apple.com/trailers/weinstein/nine/

Oh what I would give to be Italian.

. . .

On a very separate note: I had strange dreams last night. Rarely am I able to remember my dreams, so I thought I would share:

First, a dream (nightmare) about the LSAT (which I take on Saturday). All I remember is me, #2 pencil in hand, fretting over (lost) time and the logic game section of the dreaded exam. Ah, moving on.

Second, my dear dad gave me a token. Worth $100. What a guy.

Third, The Watson Twins and Jenny Lewis merged on (another) record and released it! Last night! Quite thrilling.

Finally, my (terribly unreliable) car wouldn't start.

Now I am nervous. All of these dreams could easily become a reality.
Although I just checked the balance of my checking account and my father did not deposit $100.
And I would have been aware and anxiously anticipating the Jenny Lewis/Watson Twin thing for quite some time now.
So we are left with the car not starting (very plausible), and/or me fretting while taking the LSAT.

I vote LSAT worries. Unfortunately. Jesus. Luck, please.

New mobile number

I'd like one.


That is all. Have a good days.

Left

Sentences are difficult today:

Frustrated
Restless
Independent
Excited
Flattered
Dissatisfied
Capable
Masochistic
Condescending
Grateful
Illprepared
. . .
but, Alright

















Your mind is racing like a pro now
Oh my god, it doesn't mean a lot to you
One time you were a glowing young ruffian
Oh my god, it was a million years ago

-The National, Slow Show

Booze in my hair, blood on my lips

So. Late last night I am driving to quite literally purchase a hard park of cigarettes. I am using a car I haven't driven in months. Ray LaMontagne's "Trouble" album is in the CD player. I then remembered why I chose to leave that particular CD in the abandoned car. Ah, what a Thanksgiving sap story. (Well, kind of).

Anyway. This sums things up nicely:




So that's that.

Moving on (and on, and on).

Ah, materialism

I am in love...
With a pair of boots.

These Frye boots to be exact:
(I am fairly certain I needed them).

Ready, Able

I dig this song. A lot.
Grizzly Bear is a pretty neat band, I think. I saw them open briefly (as I arrived late) for a Radiohead show last summer in Indianapolis. Good performance for what I caught of it.

The video is the trippiest/strangest/most bizarre (and colourful!) thing I have seen in awhile.

Thought I'd share. Enjoy.

Rose-coloured glasses

...are off!


And I am pleasantly listening to PJ Harvey's "Stories From The City, Stories From The Sea" album (love), and posting this I guess.

All while getting ready for this evening... sort of. I am meeting a friend for drinks. She takes ages (and ages and ages) to get ready. It's really quite incredible.

Anyway. We are going for cocktails at an adorable martini bar downtown.

I have been craving a dirty Ketel One martini (two olives) for quite some time. Tonight is the night.

Well, all for now. Cheers.





I saw a beggar leaning on his wooden crutch.
He said to me, "You must not ask for so much."
And a pretty woman leaning in her darkened door.
She cried to me, "Hey, why not ask for more?"

-Leonard Cohen, Bird On The Wire

"A breakthrough"

: an act or instance of removing or surpassing an obstruction or restriction; the overcoming of a stalemate.
: any significant or sudden advance, development, achievement, or increase, that removes a barrier to progress.


People really do say this to you.
People really do experience these.
It really does feel incredible.
You really do dance around your flat by yourself.
You really do drink a bottle of your favorite red wine in celebration.


You smile. Wide. And often. Much, much more often.

Holy

This is the artsiest thing I will ever post.  Promise!  Maybe.

. . .

The Laughing Heart by Charles Bukowski
(Read by Tom Waits)





Your life is your life.
Don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
Be on the watch.
There are ways out.

There is a light somewhere.
It may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.

Be on the watch.
The gods will offer you chances.
Know them.
Take them.

You can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
And the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.

Your life is your life.
Know it while you have it.

You are marvelous.
The gods wait to delight
in you.


Holy.  Moly.

Bless this mess

Currently... I'm lazy. And a bit spoiled. In other words, I'm at my parents' house.

Lying on an over-stuffed couch. Watching "Curb Your Enthusiasm" on HBO OnDemand via an obnoxiously large flat panel television. Reading (an embarrassing number of) pretentious record reviews on Pitchfork. And (worst yet) staring at my unopened Cracking the LSAT book --- which should be OPENED! For the love of god, it should at least be opened. It should be studied by now. It should be meticulously read through. Maybe even with scribbled notes in the margins of each page (or, you know, at least every other). Ah, moving on to less exasperating subjects...

Like how incredibly spoiled I feel while at my parents' house. It is truly fantastic. My mum and dad are two of the most generous and witty people I know. Just being in their presence puts a smile on my face. Something I need more than ever as of late. And something I will never take for granted. And that is why I feel spoiled here. I am pretty lucky in this regard.
Plus, I really dig their dogs.

Currently, my mum is sitting in the media room with me taking a break from whatever she does in her office, and fascinating over how incredible "The Wizard of Oz" looks in HD. Ha ha. I'm giggling. As well as avoiding the television as the munchkins from Oz give me nightmares.

I better work on getting my dear mother to change the channel. I am sure Larry David induces far fewer nightmares than the Lollipop Kids...

Also, the film "Misery" is on The Weather Channel. Seriously. The Weather Channel! Airing "Misery"?! This is shocking to me (as I'm sure it is to all of you [countless] readers out there). My mum and I were just discussing how disappointed my dad (a TWC fanatic) would be over this confusing non-weather related film being aired on The WEATHER Channel.

What happened to the Local on the 8's? What is the world coming to?

Oh. Just before hitting "publish post" I noticed one of our dogs sleeping on my LSAT study book. At least it is getting some use. Jesus.

The Book of Longing

Well.
I have become enamored
with Leonard Cohen's poetry.
From The Book of Longing,
a poem of the same name:






I can't make the hills
The system is shot
I'm living on pills
For which I thank G-d

I followed the course
From chaos to art
Desire the horse
Depression the cart

I sailed like a swan
I sank like a rock
But time is long gone
Past my laughing stock

My page was too white
My ink was too thin
The day wouldn't write
What the night pencilled in

My animal howls
My angel's upset
But I'm not allowed
A trace of regret

For someone will use
What I couldn't be
My heart will be hers
Impersonally

She'll step on the path
She'll see what I mean
My will cut in half
And freedom between

For less than a second
Our lives with collide
The endless suspended
The door open wide

Then she will be born
To someone like you
What no one has done
She'll continue to do

I know she is coming
I know she will look
And that is the longing
And this is the book


What to write after posting words like these? I am at a loss. The little wit and rare bouts of fleeting creativity I can formulate into words (or sometimes even whole sentences!) are beyond trivial (at least for this particular posting --- my silly words will reign clever and incredibly important once again eventually).

For now, though, I am in awe. And am planning to share more of Cohen's poetry that catches my eye in future postings. Stay tuned.

Fugitives and refugees

Today is the day.

The day my extensive order from Amazon has arrived. Well, actually Friday was the day. But I was out of town. Therefore, the two boxes of unopened stories were being held hostage by my building manager. But only until she returned to the office. Which was this morning.

So, basically. Today is the day.

I have purchased a wide array of novels, poetry and memoirs that I cannot wait to become completely consumed by.

Leonard Cohen's poetry, Book of Longing, is probably what I am most excited to begin reading. A true poet that man. I am a fan. As some may have noticed from the title of this blog. Anyway.

In addition to Cohen, I will probably start a couple others. I am one of those annoying people who is always in the middle of two or three books. I don't get story lines or characters confused, it just takes me awhile to finally finish them is all.

I'm thinking Josh Bazell's Beat the Reaper and Bret Easton Ellis' Glamorama will be the pair I begin with. I haven't been able to stop reading Ellis since finishing American Psycho. Jesus. What a novel. What a writer! I literally could not put it down. American Pyscho was one of those books you travel with. You know what I mean. It was constantly in my bag. If I had a free second before my food arrived at a restaurant or if I arrived a few minutes early for class, American Psycho was open in front of me and the chaos which surrounded me was instantly silenced and deemed unimportant... at least until class commenced or a waiter placed a plate of food in front of me. But what cemented American Psycho as an incredible novel in my mind was the fact that when I re-watched the film after finishing the novel...

I found myself completely calm, collected, hardly disturbed.

When Bale buttoning up his raincoat in preparation to hack Leto to death with an ax doesn't even make you wince... Christ. That was the moment I realized how terrifyingly incredible Ellis' writing really is.

Or maybe I'll start Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential. A book I've been wanting to read for quite some time. I have a shameless crush on ol' Anthony. His wit, his sarcasm, his cynicism --- I'm not sure what I enjoy most about Bourdain. But it's something. Maybe it's his earring... (ha). Either way, he's a talented writer with quite the story to tell. And I dig that.

Oh. Well, I guess I already sort of started one. Palahniuk's Fugitives and Refugees. He writes about the ins & outs of Portland, OR. A great city I fell in love with nearly a year ago.

My trip to the Pacific Northwest has proven itself bittersweet. Ugh, but I am far too spent to delve into that story. It will have to be saved for another day. A different posting. One I write while feeling ambitious and maybe a little masochistic...

For now, though, I am fortunate enough to have a stack of entertaining literature to keep my mind off of my emotional destitution.

In metal

A delightful (yes, delightful) morning is currently being had. By me! How lovely.

It is strange, really. How a sky filled with sunshine has the ability to physically coalesce with a small one bedroom high-rise flat adorned with large windows, and how that can drastically change the mood of its inhibitor.

Mornings like these allow me to feel lucky. Just lucky, really, and not too much else. But I'll take the simplicity of lucky.

And they must be concocted for a reason. These rare, but insanely gratifying mornings. They just have to be. The reason or reasons, of course, are subjective. I enjoy that. Subjectivity. Especially regarding things as simple as a pleasant morning.

Leaving things open for interpretation. Potentially good; potentially bad. Today, though, this particular morning I cull potentially good.
Because, well, why not?

As cold as a new razor blade

Feelings of control (over anything) are returning. Ah, which makes me happy. Or at least silently content. Honestly, I will gladly welcome either.

So, here I am. Trying this. Blogging, or whatever. With very little expectation of avid readers, followers or even bored pseudo-interested blog grazers. "Blog grazers"? Jesus, this could be humiliating. Fair warning.


To be continued...
I guess.