Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Where to begin?

This week, this month, the past six goddamn months have been a blur. A literal blur reflected through memories; a blur which defines my mind, my state of being, and my life in general. It just feels odd is all.

I am home, though, where my mind generally remains more clear than it does when I am away. Where I have the the wit and honest love of my parents to keep me grounded and smiling.

Christmas was different this year. Five days post-25th I am left wondering... when did the holidays become difficult? When did the holidays begin inducing thoughts of friends and family members lost throughout the years? Perhaps this has happened ages ago for many twenty-two year olds. Perhaps some people will be fortunate enough to never experience these feelings (probably not). Either way, it is frustrating. And as I type these words I realize that this blog has become incredibly depressing. Angst-y, even. And many more adjectives that wouldn't normally sum up who I am or how I am (generally).

But I guess it is accurately relfecting day-to-day (almost) feelings of how things are NOW. Not necessarily how they were, or how they may be someday. But how I am now, how my life is at this second. How I feel as a twenty-two year old. How I feel as a soon to be college graduate. Fretting over my next move almost constantly. Weighing out the pros and cons of law school, graduate school, a job. Living close, or moving out West. Thinking about whether decisions made months and even years ago were made with a clear mind, or if I should reconsider things NOW. Really, I now realize, all I have to keep me in the now is reflection. Written reflections of days passed and memories which would otherwise go forgotten.

I feel like this should be easier.
In general, things should be simplified.
But I have never lived my life that way.
Who I am to wish for a simple life?
Honestly. It is just not in the cards for me (I love this saying).

And I guess I'm okay with that.

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