Doors are opening.  I know this.  They are obnoxiously widening their angles right in front of my face.  This should make me feel assured, excited, lighthearted, young, fortunate.  Instead, I feel despondent, spent, reserved, lost.  As though all hope for the things I felt to be permanent for so long really are gone.  They are dissipating slowly at every passing moment.  As each day ends, this fragment of my life is slowly fading away.  Dispersing memories and plans amongst new experiences, new memories, new people -- friends and lovers.  I am left concerned.  Feeling frightened, disheartened.  Questioning if I should be allowing this to happen.  Is there even an option?  Are there options?  Is there a way for me to be proactively not allowing all of this to happen?  Rhetorical questions which I pose here.  Questions which ravage my mind on a daily basis.  Breathe.  Must remember to breathe more slowly, and allow my head to rest more often.

on the Tenth

I slept in this morning, I skipped 412 this morning, I woke up to my dad phoning me this morning, I did the dishes before I left my flat this morning, I dug my car out of three feet of snow this morning.

. . .

I drove for two hours on icy roads today, I had phone conversations with two of my oldest friends today, I bought a pack of Djarum Blacks today (and smoked one).

. . .

I listened to Bazan's "Lost My Shape" six times on my way home today. 
I felt content.

Unwelcomed memories entered my brain on my way home today. 
I felt alone.

. . .

I will bake Christmas cookies with my mum tonight. 

We will drink red wine, and laugh and laugh.

the Second

I am blaming this weather for the following things:  not leaving my flat even once today, ordering in pizza for lunch/dinner, not showering, living in my yoga pants and my fleece pullover, and posting twice in one day. 

Oh, and the snow has apparently induced a little online shopping.  I am so excited about the items I purchased (and the deals I found), though, I thought I would share:

We Who See Fringe Boot (via UO)

 *Am absolutely in love with these.

     Kimchi Blue Bow Skirt (via UO)

*Also great: I love the entire look, and I already own the BDG top that the model is wearing.  AND there is an exposed silver zipper up the back.  Wow.

Deena & Ozzy Asymmetrical Belt (via UO)

*I have been searching for a tasteful black leather studded belt (seriously) for ages.  Finally.

*Also great: only $9.99.

_____________

Oh the things I am able to accomplish sans the interruption of class and work.

UW snow day; Tony

Yes. 
The weather is so treacherous in Wisconsin that the University system has been shut down.  So I am happily lounging.  Watching Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations.  As mentioned in a previous post, I have such a crush on Tony. 
H a p p y.

. . .

To: somebody that I used to know.  I read this today.  And thought of you.  I am fairly certain that these words will mirror your life, unfortunately.  Life is bound to be difficult for you, but only because you will actively make it difficult for yourself. 
I just feel disappointed is all.

. . .

How Could I Have Doubted by Leonard Cohen

I stopped looking for you

I stopped waiting for you

I stopped dying for you

and I started dying for myself

I aged rapidly

I became fat in the face

and soft in the gut

and I forgot that I'd ever loved you

I was old

I had no focus, no mission

I wandered around eating and buying

bigger and bigger clothes

and I forgot why I hated

every long moment that was mine to fill

Why did you come back to me tonight

I can't even get off this chair

Tears run down my cheeks

I am in love again

I can live like this

06

I wake up feeling surprisingly rejuvinated.  With the smell of cigarette smoke lingering throughout my bedroom due to its resonation in my dirty blonde hair.  A scent which will stick to my sheets and fingertips like glue for a day, maybe two.  The taste of Ketel One still loitering on my tongue and the roof of my mouth.  My bedroom a disaster with sweaters and tights, boots and flats, hats and scarves scattered amongst the very little available floor space.  My bedroom window providing a view of blue skies and bluff tops, which distributes sunlight throughout this mess; my mess.  This December sunlight, though, somehow converts my unorganized and cluttered life into something enjoyable, satisfying.  Even pleasant.

I feel.
And I feel content.